Your Insecurity is Not My Fault

I read this blog post recently: http://applesandbandaidsblog.com/2014/06/11/my-husband-doesnt-need-to-see-your-boobs/   The upshot of this post, if you don’t want to wade through it, is basically a woman complaining that her marriage is struggling, and women posting pictures of their pretty bodies distracts her husband terribly.  Apparently, all those bikini pictures and sexy legs are just too much for him, and also too much for her, because she’s afraid he doesn’t find her attractive and she feels terrible about herself.

I feel bad for both of them; she for her low self-esteem, and he for being blamed for having impure thoughts, or something.  No wonder their marriage struggles.  He’s not allowed to have his own thoughts?  What he might think, not what he does, destroys their marriage?  He can’t be trusted to look at pictures?

Now, let me explain myself.  I have a terrible body image, won’t lie.  I’ve never thought I was very attractive, I hate my weight, and despise shopping for clothes because of it.  I hate having my picture taken, and it isn’t my picture this woman has seen, because bikini?  Not going to happen.

In spite of that, though, I never doubt my husband’s love for me.   And I’ve never worried about what he’s looking at, so long as he’s not touching.  I like to look at other guys; hell, I like to look at other women, too.   It’s like looking at art.  I’ve never once wanted to be with anyone else, though.  I trust he feels the same.

I can’t imagine living with someone I couldn’t trust.  What’s even more amazing is that people assume that I can’t trust him.  For example, my husband had his bachelor party two days after our wedding.  He couldn’t have it before, because his friends from Japan didn’t arrive until shortly before the wedding.  I had had my bachelorette party–I danced on the table with a stripper, for heaven’s sake (and it was fun)–so it was only fair he got his party too.  You should have seen the shocked looks I got from other women!  “You let your husband go see strippersBut you’re married!”  Apparently, seeing strippers forty eight hours before the wedding was okay, but after the wedding?  I must be crazy!  How could he be trusted in such a situation?

If I didn’t trust him, I wouldn’t have married him.  That’s the crux of it.  I trust him to look at other people and not lunge at them.  He trusts me for the same.

So, my response to this woman is this: It’s not my job to hide myself because you don’t trust your husband.  That’s your problem.  I’m sorry that you have that problem, because I know how a poor body image can feel.  I am.  But that’s your issue.  That’s your insecurity.  It’s not my responsibility to hide myself from someone you don’t trust.  Women get enough pressure to be perfect without being accused by proxy of ruining your marriage because you are threatened by pictures.  This is your trust issue, not the fault of women who are proud of themselves.

I admit to being a little jealous of those thin, tanned, athletic women.  I wish I looked like that, sure, but I don’t require those women to hide because of my own insecurity.

Body image counseling can work wonders.  I hope this woman can find some help, but it doesn’t lie in blaming other women.  It lies in fixing you.

 

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4 responses to “Your Insecurity is Not My Fault

  1. Sister-in-law and my brother have the same weird issue. Apparently she found out he was looking at porn at some point and it became an issue. It was apparently decided he was ‘addicted’ to porn and because of that he wasn’t allowed to go out to Water World (because of the women in swimsuits) or watch movies with scantily clad women in it. *shrugs* I don’t get it, but it’s their thing. Me? I’m not that insecure. Chris gets a lot of people who are surprised that I let him go out to bars without me, the only time I say, ‘you can’t go without me’ is because he always comes back with the best stories and I end up wishing I’d gone with (mob bar, they got to go to a MOB BAR!).

  2. This all sounds nuts to me. I read her blog…and her thoughts are just such a mess. Sure many of us are insecure..but the way she’s reasoning is beyond any reason. Not only does she not have any faith in her marriage or relationship or herself, she also seems to lack self respect and be a hypocrite. She writes that if she had super long legs and a hot body, she’d also want to have pictures of her self all over the internet. Is it a christian thing, this unexciting tension between insecurity, prudence and rampant & oblivious hypocrisy? I just don’t get it at all.

  3. I hadn’t heard of this post until now. And wow, there appear to be lots of responses to it. And I think I’m a lot like you. I’m not happy with my body, but I trust John completely. And I know we both look at other people. And we’re comfortable with one another to even say so when we think someone is really good looking. He really likes Scarlett Johansen, and he’s aware of how happy it makes me to look at Isaiah Mustafa. It’s not a big deal. I do see where it would be a very different situation in a struggling marriage, but if this person’s husband is that distracted by other women, there’s just no way she’s going to keep him from looking.

    I do often miss the days when I was in my twenties, and thin (never tan, though, never that), but I’ve kind of accepted that those times are behind me.

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