What Girls Really do with Dolls

You know how in commercials, you see ads of cute little girls in their cute outfits, playing with dolls who have perfect hair and clothes.  Like this:


Aww, what a cute little girl!  She has nicely combed hair and her shirt is on right-side out, and she’s not covered in marker.  Her dolls all have hair that’s not in giant rat’s-nests and filled with rubber bands and paper clips.  They’re also not naked or wrapped in Kleenex.

When I had a daughter, I watched these ads and imagined my own little girl playing with her dolls, and how cute it would be.

So, recently, I come downstairs and am confronted with this:

photo 1


A lot of things go through your mind when you encounter this first thing in the morning, namely what Charlotte did to be hung upside down for so long.  Ken looks deviously happy, and the whole setup is just suspect.

I asked M what was going on, and she replied, “YOU’LL never know!” and wandered off, practicing her evil villain laugh, leaving Ken grinning at me.

They never show this in TV ads.

Another thing that’s popular lately is the fully  articulated doll.  I hate these things.  I know they’re supposed to be more fun, but their hands and feet bend backwards, giving a very Exorcist vibe.  So, when I see this monstrosity on the table:

photo 1 (2)

I think:


Yes, Scarlett from Silent Hill Homecoming.  It’s not a happy time!  I much prefer the old 80s style Barbies that don’t bend every which way.  So, toymakers, please think of us with horror writer brains, and go back to those cheerful, non-bendy dolls.

Speaking of which, quit making the damn dolls talk while you’re at it.  Last Christmas, I walked into the doll aisle, and a whole line of motion activated baby dolls turned their heads toward me and started waving their arms and letting out this shrill babble.  Shopping for dolls is a bit Uncanny Valley as it is, but this was horror movie stuff.  I left, but the next woman who dared the aisle actually shrieked.  I notice they don’t sell those on anymore.

My daughter does have one doll that babbles, giggles or cries when you push on different parts of its body, and will blink and “suck” on a bottle.  My daughter adores it.  The noise isn’t terrible in the daylight.  However, my daughter did have a habit of leaving the baby on the floor, and stepping on its belly in the dark and hearing its disembodied giggle at 3 am is a chilling experience.

I am constantly doing surveys about toys, and so, toy manufacturers, there you have it.  Quiet, non-bendy toys are preferable, especially to those of us who wonder what those toys might do at night.


4 responses to “What Girls Really do with Dolls

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