Every year, I vow to lose weight. Sometimes it works, sometimes not, but it a never ending goal that eats at me all the time.
This year, I think I’m off to a good start. I’ve been using My Fitness Pal to track all of my food, which is great. I have an emotional eating disorder, so being able to look at my food and tell myself I need to stop is a wonderful tool. I’ve been exercising more and focusing my diet on protein, which is necessary for me specifically because of Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, which, among other things, causes my body to lack weight loss proteins. As of today, I’ve shed all of the holiday weight and am getting into the baby weight (well, and just generic binge and junk food weight)
I gained a lot of weight when I was pregnant with M. My OB at the time accused me of secretly eating too much, but I wasn’t. I still have a lot of that. When I was pregnant with A, we moved to a new city, got better insurance, and a much better doctor. The doctor went over my symptoms from M’s pregnancy, and informed me that I obviously had had undiagnosed gestational diabetes, and wanted to know what idiot doctor had missed it. With A, at four months gestation, I was diagnosed with gestational diabetes, treated, and gained only 1/3 of what I did with M. And to all the people who said, “Don’t worry about the weight! when you breastfeed, it comes right off!” Insert bitter laughter here.
Having learned that I do not enjoy injecting insulin, I need to do something to be healthier. This leads me to goals. In the past, I would always focus on losing X amount of pounds, and fail. Then, I felt like a bloated toad who had no willpower, and when that happens…well, it’s time to go console myself with a piece of cheesecake. So, this year, I’ve switched it. My goal is healthier. Tracking my food, so I can see what I’ve done. Walking more and working outside more, especially now that A is older. Trying to teach myself to forgive my errors and just keeping moving, instead of dwelling on failure. Not reading the comments on weight loss articles from the myriad of people who like to make fun of people with weight problems. (Because after all, if someone doesn’t tell us we’re fat and ugly, how would we know?)
So I’m making this public as a pact to myself to keep moving forward, to keep trying, and to know that it’ll somehow be okay, even if it’s not perfect.