Coping, Still

We got through the first Thanksgiving without my dad.  We were lucky to have company and lots of things to keep us occupied. both the food and the company were wonderful, and I’m very thankful for everyone being so supportive through all of this.  When we got home, M, who had been playful and cheerful all day, went into my room, dropped onto the bed and sobbed, “I want my grandpa!”  We had to have a long hug to get her calmed down.

Both of us are like this.  Things are fine, until they’re not.  We’ve had a lot of bad news recently and it seems like the hits keep coming, which make it hard to heal.  I’m still struggling to sleep, have frequent nightmares, and I have weird bursts of sorrow and rage.  Things that happened years ago crop up in my head and I’m instantly furious.  (Yeah, guy in sixth grade whose name I don’t remember–I hate you and you know why!)  Some days I have no energy and have to fight to keep going.  These periods are becoming less frequent, but flared up tremendously over the holiday.  I’m going to have to be careful to manage it at Christmas.

On the upside, I’ve got all my Christmas shopping and decorating done, and am looking forward to baking.  My girls are so excited that can hardly stand it, and their enthusiasm is infectious.  I visited the doctor, and he said I am very healthy, and what I’m experiencing is normal.

It’s good to hear that, “normal.”  Nothing has felt normal in months, but it’s good to know that even though the world still often feels broken, it’ll fix itself eventually.  I feel like my dad’s death ripped a chasm in my life, and I’m trying to find a way to build a bridge over it.  Some days I make more progress than others, but its still progress.

One of things I’ve been doing is introducing M to old RPGs; we just finished <I>Suikoden II. </I>  She loved it, and we’ll play more.  It’s given us a lot of time to drink tea, talk and have some much needed escapism.  Today we’re going to a play, and I’m going to work at keeping the season fun for all of us.